#reverb10 - December 17, 18

December 17: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I'd like to think I know myself pretty well. This year reiterated a lot of things I've always known - I am capable of working way too hard and never playing; I need structure, even if I just set it for myself; I love to play when I get the chance! And sometimes I need someone to push me.

I did learn that I am changing a lot these days. I sure hope it's for the better. I know I love who I was and who I can be, but the stage in between is really, really difficult. Self-improvement doesn't come easy; neither does learning to balance new responsibilities. It's like I'm taking two steps forward and one step back.

Becoming more businesslike makes my personal relationships suffer more. Where before I could be all sweetness and light now I'm efficient and sometimes brusque. I'd almost rather spend the weekends working than playing when I have a lot on my plate. I try very hard to find the balance but I don't think I'm there yet. (Sorry Kyle - he's experienced the brunt of this)

I don't depend on a company for income or health insurance or training. I go out and find it, pay for it, learn about it on my own. Being independent is a double-edged sword. It's made me change the way I look at the male/female dynamic. It's uncomfortable. I don't like being the boss in a relationship (feminism be damned) and I still hope to find a balance. I can't respect someone who isn't my equal.

I'm losing my patience from still working harder, not smarter. Two steps forward, one step back. I just hope that between that place between who I was and who I will be that I regain my ability to smell the flowers, marvel at the smell of Tahoe air after rain, and make time for the people I love. It just kills me that right now I feel the need to sacrifice all these small things that make life what it is for the sake of financial survival. There's satisfaction in money well-earned, but it's not enough.

December 18: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn't go for it?

Burning man. All the way.